Birthday Babe...

Well, this is interesting. I started this blog months ago (4 actually). For some reason I never finished it. You can see below that I was obviously struggling (in orange) and finding a new way. We, my Mr. Right and I, were going through a rough time back then. We've come a long way in these last few months. I think - NO, I KNOW I can finish this blog now. Although, I don't think I will ever be able to finish it completely. You'll see the list below. Hopefully, I won't ever finish it I will just keep adding to it.

I just finished reading "The Five Love Languages". Everyone around me kept commenting about this book. We even heard more about it in a recent Marriage Retreat. I've had it on my bookshelf, on loan from my mom, for months - maybe even years. Ok, apparently I need to read it. I didn't know what my love language was/is. Those "everyone's" well, they knew their love language and were able to express to their spouse which one it was and get some good return. I want that return. I want a loving marriage. Fill my love tank please, oh please.

It's been a rough 2 - 2 1/2 weeks again in my marriage because of this "great" book. I was actually not loving it as I started it. It was so frustrating to read through. Yikes! At first I was mad at what I think my husbands love language is. Why? Because, it's the hardest one for me to express my love through. But, as I was reading about his love language (I'm not saying what it is because he's reading the book now and I want to see if we choose the same ones for each other) I was noticing how much he was asking me to express love to him in his love language. Amazing to know and see. Wow, that Gary Chapman (author) really is on to something. Then, I got frustrated because I wasn't quite able to figure out MY Love Language. I went into the reading thinking it was Receiving Gifts! Yeah, I like gifts!! Especially shiny ones :). Nope, that's not my first one. I learned about me that I am a Quality Time Love Languager. More specifically, I love/crave Quality Activities. I don't care if we are washing the car or picking weeds in the garden - I just want to be with him. I want to play games, watch t.v., take walks, fold laundry, cook, do dishes, shred paper, paint rooms, change a tire, pack boxes...TOGETHER! Oh, it was so good to know. Finally, I can pinpoint how I want to be loved. Just one problem...

He doesn't know my love language. He's using HIS love language to express love to me. That doesn't speak my language. And, if I have to ask more than once to do something together it's no longer an expression of love from him. My tank is not being filled. So, how or why would I want to fill his tank if mine is empty. That's hard. But, needs to be done. Can you see my selfishness here? I'm working on it. At some point through these last few weeks he mentioned that he thought he should read the book. I wanted to go get a second copy that day (we actually got another one the next day). Phew, I was relieved. If he reads it then he'll have to learn my love language and we can start filling up each others love tanks. This will be great. In the mean time we were seriously "walking on egg shells" for several days.

Those shells finally cracked last Saturday. Here's the scenerio: we're moving soon and I needed to start packing. We didn't have a single box. I woke up feeling desperate and urgent and overwhelmed about packing. I needed boxes THAT day. I was ready to go dumpster diving behind stores to get boxes. He didn't want to do this. What?! Not only did he not fill my tank but he just kicked my bucket. Ouch! This did not go well. I had to let him know how this made me feel and what I was discovering my love language was. Guess what we did that day. We got boxes. No dumpster diving though. He really didn't want to do that. He DID take me to a place and TOGETHER we picked out boxes to bring home. Ahhhhh!!! Love tank was filling up. And then that night he asked to play a game with me. The game LIFE! Now, I know he was talking my language because I know he don't like that game. The Lord was good to us both. I got to play a board game and it went very fast (fastest LIFE game I've ever played). My man didn't have to suffer through the game too long. Thanks babe for playing with me.

Oh and by the way...I am really working on speaking his Love Language. I'll have to write more on that later, once he's finished the book! As for now... take a look at my list.

From November: It is my husband's birthday today. Lately we have been going through a lot in our marriage. Which, whatever it is, it is growth. But, it hurts. And, I'm realizing about myself that I have a lot of expectations for our marriage, how it should be, how it should look, how it should function. I'm learning though that that is a very arrogant way for me to live in my marriage. I've felt lonely at times and empty at times. I've even felt like the "best friend" label isn't there. Well, I have let it go away. I'm working on being vulnerable with my husband. I've been lacking gratitude for him though. This is hard to write, especially on his birthday ~ shouldn't I be honoring him. Well, yes. I've decided that I need to recall all of the things I can about him and why I love him, am attracted to him and desire to be with him. There are so many and yet if I don't keep them in the front of my mind and heart it is easy to get shadowed by the evil in my heart and not appreciate him. I only hope that this list is not short and that the unique and special things about him will flood my mind and heart. I need him in my life and DO NOT want to be without him.

Happy Birthday MY LOVE. Here is what I love about you (in no particular order)...
1. You drive me everywhere we go. I feel like a princess.
2. You make the bed for me when I don't get to it. I know you know I LOVE that.
3. You are a special ed teacher...not many can do what you do.
4. You are so patient, so patient, with me and our boys.
5. You LOVE, LOVE, LOVE our boys.
6. You play Nerf Gun Fight with the boys, and than attack me.
7. Now you are a professional trainer...you got a new job for us. :)
8. You want to coach the kids soccer teams.
9. You plan and teach our children the bible and biblical practicals.
10. Your love for the children's ministry has soared.
11. You make up nicknames for people in your life.
12. You make my girlfriends, your friends and treat them like sisters.
13. That you have a close relationship with my dad.
14. You play hide and seek with the boys.
15. You know so many kinds of music - lyrics, dates, bands...
16. You'll play games with me because you know I love them.
17. You are quite a story teller!
18. You are an amazing writer - that's why I have you write everything for me except this blog.
19. You can't smell most things.
20. Your sneezes are loud and strong - mine too! Match made in heaven.
21. You are a great public speaker.
22. People are drawn to you.
23. You are a leader.
24. You have a strong, confident, bold personality.
25. Even in silence we get along.
26. You LOVE God more than me!
27. You are adding color to your wardrobe! You look good in color.
28. You are so well groomed.
29. You work out and stay in shape and keep yourself healthy.
30. I love that you'll indulge in ice cream.
31. You go out of your way to encourage your friends.
32. You plan dates for us.
33. You bought me a, make that two, red dresses!!!
34. You're HOT looking!! Great eye candy!
35. When you enter a room you own it!
36. As the new guy at work you step right up to the plate and do your thing.
37. You engage our kids in the things they are interested in.
38. You love me unconditionally and speak my love language. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
39. You are my BEST FRIEND!

I remembered now that in November I wanted to write as many as you are old! But, I have so many more.

I love that...
40. You want to marry me all over again.
41. You'll dance with me.
42. You dance crazy for the boys in the kitchen.
43. You'll cook dinner.
44. And do the dishes!
45. You want to hold the boys as long as you can.
46. You care about our friends lives, marriages, and kids.
47. You wanted to get us a new house.
48. You have deep convictions.
49. You don't want to get reading glasses until AFTER you turn another year.
50. You want to change lives.
51. You are so willing to do whatever it takes to be above reproach.
52. You are willing to do whatever it takes to keep our marriage sacred - especially while traveling now.
53. You will lay down your life for your friends.

The longer I write, the more I can come up with. I love this. I love thinking about you and telling you what I love. I know I need to do this everyday. Tell you everyday that I love you and think you are amazing. I am so grateful to God for giving me you. I truly married up and got the better end of the deal. My pride to be your wife is overflowing. The only reason I am stopping is because of the time. I must read my bible and thank God for you tonight before I go to rest.

I am madly and deeply in love with my husband! I want the whole world to know.

Having boys

We have two boys. A joke between my husband and I is that I have one (the younger - D) and he has one (the older - A). This makes it easy for him to be "done" having kids. My husband is perfectly content with our two boys. We discussed having a third 2 and 3 years ago. We even decided to go ahead with trying. Until the brakes were put on with unexpected life changes. So now that things have "settled" in our life what do we do now. I always thought of myself with three boys. However, I always wanted them to be no more than 2 or 3 years apart from each other. Now our youngest is about to turn 5. Do I even want to start over with a baby? Or am I just thinking and chasing after a dream. On top of that...it is MY dream / plan and I profess to following God's plan. Hmmm.... Maybe God's plan was for me to have two boys all along.

Back to the his son, my son joke. Our oldest boy always wants his daddy. When daddy is not home A is somewhat sad. Daddy makes boo boos feel better and daddy can calm him. Daddy has to say goodnight to him first and then mom. I even had to give up my desire to go on the field trip with him in order for daddy to go. But, I absolutely LOVE that he loves his daddy and wants to be just like his daddy. I also absolutely LOVE that his daddy loves him so much and recognizes this connection. Daddy even took a day off of work to go on the field trip and make it very special. However, there are times when a mom is just what all kids want. I know my oldest son loves me too. He tells me his favorite part of his school day is when I pick him up. He also wants me to walk him all the way to class, holding hands, each morning. Even though he used to do it all by himself when he rode the bus. I'll do it. I will park the car and walk through the halls all the way to the class to have my special time with him. And, last night when he had a headache he let me hold him and rock him back to sleep. That makes me feel good.

My youngest son loves me. He wants "to be" with me all the time. I know that he loves to be home with me. And I love to be home with him. I'm grateful though that he is a confident and secure little boy. He is not such a mommas boy that he can't be away from me. Dropping him off for kindergarten will be easy (for him). He can't wait to go to school and be on his own. But, ya know what. He loves his daddy too. He wants to be like his daddy. He likes to do things the way his daddy does. Daddy works out, so does D. Daddy does push ups, so does D.

It is truly amazing the love that moms and dads have for children and multiple children at that. And it is amazing how two very different young boys in the same family can love their parents so intensely and in different ways. I am proud to be a mother of two boys. I am proud to know that my kids want to be like their dad. I am proud of my husband as a father. He is a FABULOUS role model for them. Thank you babe! I love you.

Itsy bitsy teeny weeny...

Yellow polk-a-dot bikini. That is the goal of working out. Right? To look good in a bikini. Well, I'm not sure I even want to wear a bikini, so revealing. Oh yes I do, I can find one that looks appropriately on a 35 year old mother, somewhere. The point is...I'm working out. But, I have one hang up. I want to see my results IMMEDIATELY! Why can't I workout for 30 minutes and see a chiseled muscle instantly? I feel like everyone else in the world, or at least around me, is getting and can get faster results than I do.

But, I have to ask myself why I am really working out. Am I doing it for that bikini? Sure that would be nice but, summer only lasts a short time. Am I doing it to have chiseled muscles? Well, that would be nice too but I won't be signing up for a body building competition. Do I want others around me to see a skinny me? Yes, oh yes. But, they don't live in my shoes everyday. So I want all of these things but, they are not my primary goal of working out. I want to be healthy. I want to have energy. I want to look and feel younger and be able to act that way too. I want to keep up with my kids forever. I want my kids to have a healthy example of keeping our bodies fit. And, I want to be used by God and that includes / involves my body. (I Corinthians 6:19-20; 9:24-27).

I must remember these things as I struggle daily with my thoughts about my body and working out. I want to be in shape for many reasons. But, I want to have a healthy perspective of being healthy and in shape. So that when I am sick for a week in bed I am not beating myself up for not working out. Or that I do not become angered with myself the following week when I can't make it through a 50 minute workout.

I do know one thing though I have to also train my mind. It is very easy to be critical of some woman hosting the workout video I am using - that makes me better in her eyes, right? What? She can't even see me and will never know me. Who cares about her - just do the exercises. But, I need to be positive to myself and proud of myself when I make even small accomplishments of working out even 1 day after the next. This is the most I've ever worked out before in my life - consistently. I can do this. I CAN be strong and in shape and healthy. I WANT this life.

I Bake Bread

I bake bread for my son. Not only is it enjoyable and therapeutic for me to bake but, it is truly symbolic. I bake bread to try and do anything and everything that I possibly can to give my child a boost physically to help him mentally and socially. Baking bread is a process of patience. You must separate the eggs slowly and gently with great ease so not to break the yokes. I wait for the egg white to gently slip through the utensil away from its mate the yoke. The yeast and warm water must be be stirred but then left alone to sit and foam on their own interaction with one another. I wait for the miniature pieces of yeast to dissolve away until unnoticed in the warm water creating a foam. Mixing the dry ingredients with the wet ingredients must be kindly attended to. I wait for the soft particles of flour to be absorbed into the dough. The dough, it rises. It rises with silence, as slowly as it can. I wait for it to reach the top of the pan and if I don't wait long enough I disturb its transformation. The baking. Ahhh, the sweet aroma that fills the house as the dough in the hot oven takes shape and forms into a loaf of bread. But, I wait as it takes its time to create something beautiful and sweet and delicious. I wait for it to be complete, it is not a fast process.

Symbolic you ask. Yes, symbolic to my child. He is beautiful and unique and God's special gift. He needs patience. He must be handled with great ease, gentleness and care just like the eggs whites and yokes. He must be given his time to formulate thoughts and ideas and put two things together just like the yeast and water. He must be talked to kindly with precise direction of how to go about his day just like the dough needs to be mixed kindly. He must be given time to work, grow, explore, think, see - become, just like the rising of the dough. And his transformation into an intelligent, kind, gentle, loving, giving, funny, joyful spirit is such a sweet aroma. He transforms. He is an amazing being and it is with such great joy that I get to watch him transform on a daily basis. And, he loves my "special" breads just for him.

Keeping up...

So, it's been two weeks now since my last entry. Originally, my goal was to blog at least once a week. Well, that went out the window and now it is once every two weeks. We'll see how this goes. Blogging to me is just fun and a therapeutic way for me to review / analyze my weeks and days and record some of the happenings. Thank God for technology right?! I'm so impressed, happy, aw-struck and delighted that even a few of my friends and family have even checked and read my blog. I even have my first follower. :) Thanks everyone. That encouraged me a lot.

What have I done with my time in the last few weeks. Hmmm...time to recap. Once again I am still learning about myself, my expectations, goals and desires for this time of my life. You really learn what is priority when the funds are not there to do everything.

One friend wanted me and my husband to go to a concert with her and her hubby. Absolutely I do. Totally one of my favorite artists as well. This friend however is not offering to pay for my tickets. So, let's weigh this amount of money coming out of my bank account. I could - wait we could buy two tickets and have 1 great night out of fun, laughter and excellent entertainment. Plus, of course I would want to buy a new outfit and so would my man, go out to dinner and pay for gas and parking. All of that would be fabulous - but for the same amount of money my two kids could be in both a season of swimming AND a season of soccer. What do I REALLY want to do? Concert. What is the RIGHT thing to do? Kids sports. The sting of pain on my heart when I had to let her know we just couldn't go. Hopefully, it will be like those Mastercard commercials: concert tickets $300, Dinner/Outfit $200, Kids delight: PRICELESS! I'm expecting it to go that way. I know that A will LOVE to splash some waves and D is waiting to kick that ball. And, that entertainer will be back someday.

Now that I have no real schedule I am having to learn to plan my time wisely. Sometimes you just have to leave somewhere or not even go at all in order to be somewhere or do something. It may not even be a huge deal but you just need to do it. I didn't have a playdate with my friend and her kids because I just felt the need that I had to be home and organize my life, I had to leave a friends house abruptly (after 3 hours of "hangin") because I just need to get back to my reality and be productive in some form. This seems so weird to me yet it has happened over and over again. My current solution to this: giving myself time frames to attend other things or be out an about. A play date doesn't need to be more than 2 hours if even that long.

Lastly, for the first time I got to be at A's school yesterday for a small daytime event. It was Western Day because they have been learning about Texas. It was just such a joy to me to be free to choose to go and be a part of his world for 1 hour. His little face was the highlight of my day when I walked in. He was so proud to have HIS mom there for help. I don't understand (yet) why every stay at home mom isn't at every school event. Maybe I will understand in time that you just can't or don't want to go to everything. But, coming from my always working and never "getting" to go world, I don't want to miss a thing. Plus, there are probably more working parents then I realize and I just assume that I was the only one in the world suffering as a working mom. Hmmm, who knows.

Have a happy day!

Week 1 in the books.

The first Friday as a true stay-at-home mom. This may seem trivial and basic to some, maybe those who have always enjoyed the blessing of being home with kids, but to me this is profound. This is a whole new beginning for me. All I ever wanted as a young girl was to get married and be a wife and mother. I didn't even want to go to college because you don't need a degree for the things I wanted. But, God always has his plan. It was either college or full time job to pay for my own insurance, said my parents. College it was. Eventually I graduated and became a school teacher. Along the way I got married (yeah, goal number 1 accomplished), lived overseas and waited another 6 plus years before accomplishing goal number 2, kids. Though my vision of motherhood did not come to its full potential for me. The week our first son was born my husband lost his job. Oh goodie. He quickly got another but, really hated it. So, off he went to school to change his career completely and become a teacher himself. This whole time I had to be the bread winner. Now I'm not saying all of that bitterly, just matter of fact. I guess I just expected that I would get to stay home with my kiddos because my hubby would take care of the financial stuff. I kept on teaching, had another kid, ran my own daycare of 6 - 8 kids everyday just so I could at least work and be with my kids, and even went back to teaching most recently. So needless to say it has been a long time a waiting for me to stay at home free from work. My oldest son (A) is 6 and my younger son (D) is 4. But, I am so thrilled that this time in my life has finally come.

So, what did I do this week? Hmmm... I'm not really sure. I felt VERY busy and yet also think I got nothing done. There is still a part of me that doesn't fully get the idea that everyday I get to do this, THIS! Wow! I've taken my son to school before, once, maybe twice. I've even picked him up from school a handful of times. But, THIS - everyday is so exciting. To think I get to prepare him in the mornings to go off and be educated and to eventually be apart of the effective class of people that is running our country. Neat. I've even stayed home with my boys a few times - when they were sick. It is so much fun to do things with them well and happy.

So I did this: entertained, educated, taxied, house cleaned, encouraged, cheered up, worked out, cooked, hosted, snuggled, read, napped, dreamed, planned, crafted, facebooked, emailed, exchanged, nursed, banked, laundered, rested, smiled, prayed, thanked, visited, supported, discovered, damaged, repaired, insulted, apologized, danced and played. Ta da... I think I can get the hang of this.